"Whataya Want From Me?"

Tonight I was hanging out with my sister and some friends that we have both known for SO long now I have lost count... While we were together the song "Whataya Want From Me?" by Adam Lambert started playing over the radio. Now, I am pretty sure Adam did not mean for that song to be kind of spiritual, but really listening to the lyrics is sounds so much like how we all act in our relationship with God. We let God down all the time, and we go to confession, and eventually tend to make the same kind of mistakes. It is somewhat frustrating when we talk to God and do not receive a direct answer from him, and at the same time begging God to not give up on us. This song seems to reflect that relationship perfectly... While listening to it I turned to one of my friends and told them that it just hit me how this would be a great retreat song... so if I ever do another retreat talk with that kind of topic I am totally using this song. Feel free to read the lyrics below. :)

Whataya Want From Me?
Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I will let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don't give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

(So hey) just don't give up
I'm workin it out
Please don't give in,
I won't let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, i won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

I Am Still A Work In Progress

Lord,

I am tired and I am weary.
I need Your strength to carry me on.
I am so lost and confused.
I need Your love to make me strong.
I am just one small person
with so much to give to the world,
but my own insecurities
are sapping the courage
right out of my veins.

I am learning
that the only person I can rely on
is You.
Sometimes I think that I aced that part of
the test,
but when my friends are gone
and my family is troubled
I feel so weak and frustrated, and defeated.

I know I am not perfect,
but You are still there for me.
You know my limits and my fears.
Please give me the power to break down
my walls of cowardice
so I can be fearless
and do the work you have set out for me.
I am Yours.

Amen.

"Lord, You're Beautiful"

"Lord You're Beautiful"

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, please light the fire,
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love,
That burns with Holy fear.

The above song is a very popular worship song. It is beautifully written. There is one stanza in the song that really hits home with me, and it happens to be the one that is in bold letters... I can sometimes get a little grumpy every now and then when I feel that I am not getting rewarded for all the hard work I do. I guess that is only human. I want recognition when I are trying so hard to do the right thing, and sometimes when I do not receive it in the way I think I should I feel let down. In reality though, doing the right thing should not need rewarding. We are called by God to do that every day, and by doing so we should be wanting to just honor God... not have others honor us for honoring God. That just seems so silly... This song helps me remind myself that I do not need to be told how great I am doing all the time. I need to keep myself humble and my heart on God, not on my own selfish needs.

"True Pleasure"

I found this poem from a blog I like to look at every now and then. It is mostly filled with poetry, but there are other blog postings that I find interesting as well. I happened to read this particular one and found it incredibly inspiring... If you want to read more just click here.

True Pleasure

Crucifixion is fulfillment
Self-denial is freedom
A simple life is like walking on the moon
Serving others is like eating ice-cream
Contentment is satisfaction
Quiet is union with God
Seclusion is love affair
Poverty is rich
Sickness is a kiss from heaven
Other people’s virtue is our comfort

Live the true paradox
Turn the world over
Be an enigma

Fast and pray
Talk little and rest little
Think about God and not the world
Give to others as if there is no more chance
Trust God in success, trust Him more in failure
Live for heaven not for earth
Be like Christ crucified so you’ll gain Christ glorified
Learn from the rejected Messiah, He who is lowly and meek
Be afraid of nothing save sin
Delight in no one but God

Don’t struggle with the still small voice of God in your depth, give in to it
True pleasure comes from good actions
True pleasure cannot have a conflicted conscience
True pleasure is neglected by half-hearted love

Trust God, and you’ll be truly happy
Obey God, and you’ll truly live
Love God, and you’ll truly love

"What If"... Two Words That Can Do More Harm Than Good

This is really late for me to be up tonight, and I have a feeling I am going to really regret it, but sometimes there are moments when writing, blogging, journaling, are all I can think about doing... and I like to savor those moments, because usually something pretty great comes out of it. It may be just a line or it could be the whole thing I have splurged in the moment. Even though I never thought of myself as a journalist, and I would never want to really go into that field of work, I do enjoy writing things down when something interests me. I enjoy pondering a line in a song, or a stanza of a poem, or something that I noticed while paying attention to nature, or a quote from a movie that touched me in some way. They are all simple enough, but I can let myself wonder about them for a long time until I write it out on paper.

Tonight I watched the movie "Letters to Juliet" (which I have to say may be a new favorite movie of mine), and there was a quote from that movie that really touched me. I would love to copy and paste it onto this blog, but there are no movie quotes published for it yet on the internet, but I will be posting it whenever they get around to doing so. In this particular quote it talked about the words "what" and "if." Now these two are not at all scary or hurtful while separated, but when you put the two words together, "what if," then a person could make themselves go mad with curiosity... there are so many times I second guess myself and wonder what if I had done something a different way how it would have turned out. The problem with thinking about the words "what if" all the time is that I end up not enjoying what I do have. I let myself go off into an imaginary world of endless possible outcomes, none of which really matter since they are not my actual reality.

Everyday choices are what we all have to make, and live with the outcomes. What I eat for breakfast, who I choose to hang-out with, when I get around to paying my bills, signing up for classes, allowing myself to fall in love... As easy as it is to let my mind think about how I could have chosen things differently, in the end it usually only brings heartache... and I do not need to much of that anymore. That is why I try to avoid the words "what if" because I need to be more attentive to how I can fix some mistakes I made than think about what I should have done. I cannot change the past, but I can find a way to change my future...

With that being said, I am now ready for a good night's sleep....

"Come Holy Spirit And Renew The Face Of The Earth..."

As I mentioned in my last post I went down to Memphis, Tennessee this past week-end for my Aunt's wedding. It was a nice week-end filled with lots of family time. It was incredibly hot and humid in that town. The majority of the time I just felt like I would physically melt into a puddle... I am not gonna lie though, I enjoyed feeling that kinda heat for a short while... not the humidity though. Other than spending time with family, some of whom I have not seen since I was around 14, the highlight of my week-end was going to Mass at St. Anne's parish in Memphis. These are a few of the photos I took of the church. It was so pretty. There were even little alcoves of statues for St. Jude and the Sacred Heart which I did not post here, but are just as pretty.

The priest that was giving the homily was a very Catholic priest. He spoke about how much he loves the Holy Spirit. He talked about how many of us Catholics do not think to much about the third person of the Trinity, when in reality that is probably the one that we should really be the closest too considering that is who God and Jesus left us here with at Pentecost. The priest also mentioned how the very first novena the Church ever had is the Novena to the Holy Spirit... which is supposed to start on Ascension Thursday and goes until Pentecost Sunday.

What he said is true though... as much as I pray to God and Jesus, half the time I don't really think about the Holy Spirit. I guess it is something I still did not quite fully understand... I still do not, but after this homily a light bulb went on in my head and I realized I should be talking just as much to the Holy Spirit as I do with the other two persons of the Trinity.

PRAYER FOR THE SEVEN GIFTS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
O Lord Jesus Christ Who, before ascending into heaven did promise to send the Holy Spirit to finish Your work in the souls of Your Apostles and Disciples, deign to grant the same Holy Spirit to ______ (name) that the Holy Spirit may perfect in their soul, the work of Your grace and Your love. Grant _____________(name) the Spirit of Wisdom that they may despise the perishable things of this world and aspire only after the things that are eternal, the Spirit of Understanding to enlighten their mind with Your divine truth, the Spirit of Counsel that they may ever choose the surest way of pleasing God and gaining heaven, the Spirit of Fortitude that they may bear their cross with You and that they may overcome with courage all the obstacles that oppose their salvation, the Spirit of Knowledge that they may know God and know themselves and grow perfect in the science of the Saints, the Spirit of Piety that they may find the service of God sweet and amiable, and the Spirit of Fear that they may be filled with a loving reverence towards God and may dread to displease Him in any way. Mark them, dear Lord with the sign of Your true disciples, and animate them in all things with Your Spirit so that _____________________________ (state intention) as You would have it be. Amen.

Another C.O.T.A. Kid Here In Bloomington

I know I have mentioned way back in some of my earlier posts about why Children's Organ Transplant Association is close to my heart. If you would like to know why you can click here. Anyway this is another one in need of a kidney transplant. They are needing to raise $50,000 dollars for this young man. They have raised around $15,000 dollars right now. If you want to know more about him or donate money or volunteer your time to help fund raise at all you can click here.

A Traveler's Prayer

O Almighty and merciful God, who hast commissioned Thy angels to guide and protect us, command them to be our assiduous companions from our setting out until our return; to clothe us with their invisible protection; to keep from us all danger of collision, of fire, of explosion, of fall and bruises, and finally, having preserved us from all evil, and especially
from sin, to guide us to our heavenly home.
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.

As I mentioned in my post below I am headed off to Memphis, Tennessee this morning. A fun eight hour drive there... and an eight hour drive back on Sunday. It should be a fun time with my family who I have not seen for about two years or so. Please keep my family's safety in your prayers as we are away this week-end. :)

"Is the girl with the broken smile"

Today, more than most days, I have had this incredible urge to just get in my car and drive. Thankfully I will be able to go on a long car ride this week-end as I am going down to Memphis, Tenn. for my Aunt's wedding... but I really want to get in the car a just drive. Drive like my life depends on it. I do not have any clue where I would go... I just want to go.

Due to work and Mass and a meeting I was not able to do that this evening. I chose to do the responsible thing and follow through with my obligations. For the first time I was mad at myself for doing that... being responsible... I just wanted to go. Get away from so many things for a little while. I want to be the one to leave instead of watching people go for a change. Is that crazy? Wanting to just go somewhere new and unfamiliar. Somewhere where people do not know my name and my family history. Some town where I feel like I am a blank canvas and I can be whatever I want to be without caring how people react...That thought terrifies me in a way, but living in a college town is so hard. It is tough because I do become close to people, but in the back of my mind I always wonder whether I should put myself out there for them knowing that in a year or so they will be leaving. It is heartbreaking.

Last night was a hard night for me... I had to do something I never thought I would have to do, and yet I had to do it. It was what needed to be done, but it sucks that I was the one that had to make the call. Something switched on for me in my mind after that phone call and as I sat there while waiting and answering questions about what I witnessed last night, all I could think about was how if I were not there what would have happened? I know I did the right thing, but part of me wishes that my brother would have chosen differently to not put me in the middle. As an older sister it is hard to watch a younger sibling make so many bad choices. I try talking to them, pray for them, point them in the right direction, listen to them... I try to be as great of a role model as possible for them, and when they still keep making those bad decisions I get frustrated.

I think my problem is that I care too much. Some may say that is not a bad thing, but being the one that cares too much ends up hurting myself after awhile. I am getting really tired of that feeling... so I think that has a lot to do with my eagerness to get into my car and go away for awhile.

I will probably come back and read this later on and regret even typing this out, but right at this moment, since I can't get into a car just yet, it is about the only thing that I really want to do, and now that I did it I feel so much better.

"Hallelujah"

I will admit, I am guilty of being an American Idol fan... This year my pic for the winner from almost the beginning is this guy, Lee...This may just be the best version I have ever heard of this song... and I gotta say I do love this song. Enjoy!

"The Road Ahead"

"The Road Ahead"

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following Your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please You.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
You will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust You always,
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for You are ever with me
and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

This is pretty much the "theme prayer" for my life. Not that I've ever actually heard of a "Life Theme Prayer," but it seems to be how my life is, and will always be. Who knows where life will lead me, but as long as I keep God in the front of my mind and getting into heaven my main goal, than I know I will be ok.

Top memories of my twenty-second year. :)

My 22nd year started off with a bang... and finished off in somewhat of a bang... It was filled with ups and downs, hellos, and goodbyes, family drama and fun, hanging-out with so many great people... I have a lot to be thankful for. :)

With that being said... my favorite moments of my 22nd year are...

My 22nd birthday party last year. It was so much fun. :)

My good friend, Steph P.'s birthday was also a highlight. That was a blast!

St. Charles' youth group Summer Bible studies and ultimate frisbee games afterwords

Teaching confirmation classes this year

Helping lead the Antioch retreat

"Holy" hours and drop-ins with St. Paul's

Christmas break- too many fun things happened over that break. :)

Being with my sister while she was in labor with Keegan.

Kairos retreat!!!!

Hanging-out with my Kairos small group after the retreat was so much fun!

St. paul's S.L.T. camp-out was so much fun!

The ice cream sundae party I had at my house almost a month ago.

Officially becoming Keegan's Godmother, and the nice get-together after. :)

There are so many more memories.... Thank-you, God, for blessing me with these times that I had with all the great people in my life. :)

Audrey Hepburn on Womanhood

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others."
~A.H.~

"They were always fireflies to the untrained eye, but I could always tell..."

It seems interesting to me how in the past few years the day before my birthday I become kind of nostalgic... I remember things about growing up which I have not thought about in such a long time... I tend to think back on the more simpler days of my childhood.

I remember how when back around the age of four when my daddy would take me to my neighbor's house across the street and push me on their huge tree swing. I remember that feeling of being pushed so high that I thought I could some how fly away. I always loved it when we would do that.

I remember how catching lightning bugs in the late Summer evening with my cousins who lived right across the street was almost a magical thing. We would catch them and my mom would have a jar with holes poked into the top and we would keep them in it for the night. We would all hang-out in the living room once it was completely dark and let the jar containing the lightning bugs be the lantern for the room. It was so captivating to wait for them to glow. I remember how some kids would catch them just to stomp on them to watch the glow, and I would get so upset with them for killing such a cool creature. I always thought it was a cruel and mean thing to do.

I remember on the fourth of July how after the big fireworks show happened at the stadium we would go home and hang-out with the neighborhood families for our own little fireworks shows. The whole neighborhood pitched in and bought fireworks. My favorite thing was the sparklers as a kid. I guess that is how I began being a pyromaniac. I loved it. The next morning all of us kids would wake up and go outside to view the "damage" we caused the night before. We would all then work together to pick up the trash that was left over from the fireworks we shot off.

I remember how on snow days the most fun thing to do was to go up the HUGE dirt hill in the field in my backyard and sled down. That was before they built the apartment complex that is now what at one time was my backyard. Us neighborhood kids would have races down that hill... we would then move onto building igloos and having snow ball fights after we got tired of trudging up the hill.

It was a much simpler time as a kid... and I miss those times. I know I was a lucky kid and am thankful for as many good memories as these that I have....

"An Act of Love"

This was written by a family friend of mine...

An Act of Love

The small whimper of a child
That can be soothed by the touch of your hand.
The broken heart
That can be mended knowing you are loved.
The fight that is ended
Accepting you were wrong.
Standing up for what you believe in,
Knowing you may never walk again.
Dieing for someone you’ve never seen,
Knowing they may never care at all.
Sometimes the smallest things
Are the biggest things.
Sometimes the biggest things
Are the most sorrowful things.
And sometimes the most sorrowful things,
Are the right things.
Doing it all in an act of love.

I am a proud Godmommy... again. :)

Today was a wonderful and enjoyable day! Today is the day my youngest nephew was baptized, and I officially became his Godmother. I have two goddaughters right now, but he is my first godson...:) I was so proud of the little guy. I am used to babies cry when the holy water is poured over them, but this kid did not make one sound. He also had a nice number of people come to watch him become part of the Catholic faith. He is one popular little guy. :)

After the baptism there was a nice meal at my family's house... Since it is also Mother's Day today, both my sisters and I did not want our mom to do anything, but enjoy the company. Us three went in together to buy the food needed for today, and I was the one to put it all together. I am quite proud of myself for that. I am used to cooking for just my family, but not so much for a larger gathering like this. I also cleaned the house a little bit yesterday to. My sisters were in charge of cleaning up since I did the cooking, and between us, I would prefer to cook then the clean-up part, so it suited me just fine.

All in all I think that today was a very nice and blessed day. :)

The bottom picture on the right happens to be one of Keegan and the statue which his Godfather, and very close friend, gave to him for his baptism. Keegan loved that statue. He held a nice conversation with Mary and baby Jesus. He was just mesmerized. It was so cute, I just had to put a picture of him with the statue up here.

Change.... I Certainly Do Not Like It...

This past week has been finals week here in Bloomington, for the college students. I have learned to kind of dread this week because it is always a week of good-byes. My friends who are seniors are done with IU and Bloomington once graduation is over and I know that for a large number of them it will probably be the last time I will ever get to see them. I will be keeping in touch with them via facebook and texting and what have you, but it will not be the same as seeing them even once a month or so. Even now as I sit here and type this out, the whole goodbye process does not seem totally real to me yet. I still feel as though I will be able to call up these
friends and make a time to hang-out... It is hard to let go of something you want to hold on to.
Anyway so I was kinda down last night thinking about all this good-bye stuff. I decided to pick up the Bible, without really having any idea what I was wanting to read. I decided to just randomly open it up, and what page did I open it up to???

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"All things have their season, and in their times all things pass under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to destroy, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather. A time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to get, and a time to lose. A time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew. A time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time of love, and a time of hatred. A time of war, and a time of peace."

Yeah... I needed to read that.

"Change...
we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying.
But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good.
Oh, sometimes, change is... everything."
~Grey's Anatomy~

"And the rain came falling down..."

Yesterday a couple of my friends and I went on a little road trip to The Mother of the Redeemer Farm. We ended up making it there in time for evening vespers... really we had no idea there would be evening vespers, so it was kind of cool. Impromtu Eucharistic adoration holy hour for us. After vespers we decided to take a walk down the huge hill. As soon as we made it to the bottom, what do you think happened to us? Lightning struck! Now, if you have been to the farm you would understand how frustrating it would be to make it back up this hill with the fear of being caught in a thunderstorm. My friends and I went huffing and puffing up that hill in record time. As soon as we made it to the top we were all pretty much dying. My calves were killing me and I just wanted to drop and not move. We made it inside my car right before it started raining, so it was some pretty perfect timing. Once we made it to the IU campus, one of the girls looked out and saw the rainbows that are in the photos above. I was so excited because I happened to have my family's camera with me. Since I was the driver I asked one of the girls if they would take the pictures for me. It was so beautiful to look at! It was a fun and adventurous trip up to the farm, if I do say so myself. :)

"Veni Sancte Spiritus"

Today was the Confirmation celebration for the parishes in my town. There were four parishes that came at were confirmed at the Mass held at my home parish. All together there were I believe sixty-nine confirmation candidates. My younger brother happened to be a part of this group.

This was a neat Confirmation for me to attend because not only was my brother confirmed, but I knew a good third of the kids of the sixty-nine very well. I taught a good portion of them ccd classes when they were in sixth grade. It was so nice to be able to watch them grow up and then see them all get confirmed.

After the Mass there was a nice reception that followed. You could hardly walk with all the people that were downstairs. It was great!!!

The middle picture I put up here is one of my brother and his sponsor, a good family friend, Kyle Field. :)

Moving on up to the "adult" table

Yesterday I spent the day up in Indy. My little second cousin/goddaughter received her first communion. She was asked to bring up a rose to Mary's statue during the Mass. She was so excited to have that role. She knew how important that day was and acted so well-behaved. It was an exciting moment watching her go up and receive Jesus for the first time.

After first communion we went over my cousin's house where we all ate a delicious Italian meal. We talked and joked around. It was a nice time with my family. I am so happy that I have some of my LARGE extended family so close by. :)

I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream!

I feel so bad the past few months about how random my blog posts are. I cannot believe how many week-end this year have been so packed with trips or outings or visitors and so forth and so on.

Thursday was spent with work and house cleaning. I spent about four or so hours cleaning the house for my guests I was having on Friday. I cranked up my radio as I cleaned and even though it was a lot of work, I did not feel as though it was an annoyance. Knowing that it was for my party the next night actually made it a little more fun, as strange as that sounds.

Friday night was such a fun night for me. I had a nice get-together with some of my good friends I met at St. Paul. We had ice cream sundaes and other kinds of junk food. We talked, played games, danced, broke out into a disney sing along. It was just a good clean fun night. I found out that pretty much all of my friends are just as competitive as I am when it comes to games... Scattergories was incredibly picky and spoons got pretty darn violent.

I will miss these people over the Summer, and I will REALLY miss those who are graduating this year or transferring for next.

Random story about my dad here... He is a funny guy. He came downstairs to see who all was here. He looked in the room and saw a few of my guy friends and said really loudly to me, "Teresa! You never mentioned boys would be in my house!" I seriously looked at him and even though I could tell he was joking, not everyone else knew him enough to know that. I rolled my eyes and then introduced him to my friends in the room. My friends were all asking me if he was really that strict about boys after he left, and I told him his bark is way more worse then his bite. He talks a big game, and I am sure to an extent he does mean it a little bit, but he would never really scare a guy I was dating...Oh, I love my dad!