"Tryin' to be perfect, tryin' not to let you down. Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now.yeah While the floors underneath our feet are crumblin' the walls we built together tumblin' I still stand here holdin' up the roof cause it's easier than telling the truth."
The above quote hits me pretty hard tonight. I like to pride myself on telling the truth. I do not like lying. It is not something I find very tolerable. However, I have to admit to myself tonight that I am awful about being completely honest with my own self. In fact, if I am honest with myself right now I have to say I have been lying for the past year or so. I thought that if I pretended I was ok with some things that I have had to deal with for over a year, than eventually I would actually be ok with it. I fooled myself for a good while the past couple of months by thinking I really am doing ok. Then a few words are spoken and I fall right back to where I was before.
The only person at fault for the moment over this is myself. I kept my mouth shut probably when I should have been outspoken about the things that were going on in my head. Maybe if I had told a certain person everything I was feeling last Summer I would not be in the predicament I am. I did not do that because I did not want to be selfish. Now I am regretting that decision.
I feel as though I need to let this person know the complete truth, but am I just feeling this way because I am feeling like being selfish now? Or is it because the longer I have kept it in the more I have ended up hurting myself? If I do end up being extremely open and completely honest with this person I am afraid our relationship will not be the same, and I am scared to death of that. This is going to take a lot of thought before I actually put myself out there; put everything out on the line basically.
Love is sacrificing one's personal wants and needs for the wants and needs of the other person. I have to keep this in mind as I make my decision to tell my friend some things I have kept hidden. Really I have to pray about it and bring this to God and hopefully in the near future He will let me know which way is the right way to go. Prayer is what always puts things into the right perspective for me. Here it goes.