Today, more than most days, I have had this incredible urge to just get in my car and drive. Thankfully I will be able to go on a long car ride this week-end as I am going down to Memphis, Tenn. for my Aunt's wedding... but I really want to get in the car a just drive. Drive like my life depends on it. I do not have any clue where I would go... I just want to go.
Due to work and Mass and a meeting I was not able to do that this evening. I chose to do the responsible thing and follow through with my obligations. For the first time I was mad at myself for doing that... being responsible... I just wanted to go. Get away from so many things for a little while. I want to be the one to leave instead of watching people go for a change. Is that crazy? Wanting to just go somewhere new and unfamiliar. Somewhere where people do not know my name and my family history. Some town where I feel like I am a blank canvas and I can be whatever I want to be without caring how people react...That thought terrifies me in a way, but living in a college town is so hard. It is tough because I do become close to people, but in the back of my mind I always wonder whether I should put myself out there for them knowing that in a year or so they will be leaving. It is heartbreaking.
Last night was a hard night for me... I had to do something I never thought I would have to do, and yet I had to do it. It was what needed to be done, but it sucks that I was the one that had to make the call. Something switched on for me in my mind after that phone call and as I sat there while waiting and answering questions about what I witnessed last night, all I could think about was how if I were not there what would have happened? I know I did the right thing, but part of me wishes that my brother would have chosen differently to not put me in the middle. As an older sister it is hard to watch a younger sibling make so many bad choices. I try talking to them, pray for them, point them in the right direction, listen to them... I try to be as great of a role model as possible for them, and when they still keep making those bad decisions I get frustrated.
I think my problem is that I care too much. Some may say that is not a bad thing, but being the one that cares too much ends up hurting myself after awhile. I am getting really tired of that feeling... so I think that has a lot to do with my eagerness to get into my car and go away for awhile.
I will probably come back and read this later on and regret even typing this out, but right at this moment, since I can't get into a car just yet, it is about the only thing that I really want to do, and now that I did it I feel so much better.