I am sitting here after a very stressful day and realizing that there is so much more to me then people really realize. It's not anyone else's fault but my own I guess because I am afraid of letting people in. I mean on the outside I seem to be a well put together person. I have a job, go to class, love my family and friends, make people laugh, listen to them when they have problems, I try not to say mean things about people, kind of "prudish" to some because I want to save myself for the one I marry (which I don't find prudish at all, but others do.). I mean I do also have my faults. I am maybe a little to prideful and judgemental and expect to much from the people I love, and I follow the rules almost perfectly, which in itself is like an imperfection to me.
After realizing these things about me, I realize that that's only a small piece of who I am. I am someone who is screaming on the inside at myself for not breaking the rules enough. I am someone who is longing for the day that I finally meet and fall in love with that special someone, whoever he may be I can't wait to meet him. I hate being, and fitting, into the mold as the "perfect" daughter in my family. It drives me absolutely insane, and yet, for whatever reason, I keep pushing myself to fit into that mold. I am perfectly scared of letting myself get so close to someone that they know everything there is about me, and yet I want that so much. I contradict myself all the time. I really dislike it when people think I should be a nun because I haven't gone and done a "slutty" thing in my life. I personally don't agree with that at all. I mean just because a girl does not need to have a boyfriend all the time should not be the main reason someone should become a nun. I don't want to put nuns down, because I think they are great, but I am sick of hearing "Oh, Teresa. She'll be a nun." I mean, I don't have anything against nuns, but people have to realize if I were to enter the religious life, it would not be as a nun. Nuns live in convents and spend the majority of their time praying... I am proud of them for that, but I am such a social person. I enjoy going out and meeting new people. If God were calling me into the religious life I would most likely become a sister...I really believe that's not my calling though. I really feel as though I am called to get married. I want to grow old with someone I am so incredibly in love with and raise my children with him. I am tired of being looked at as just a friend by all the guys I know. It's no wonder I haven't dated that much when they all look at me as the person to ask about the girl they actually like. There is so much of me I want to let out, but why I am afraid to, I don't know. Eventually I will be able to find the courage to let it all out, I don't know when or how, but I know it will all come out soon.
3 comments:
Hi Teresa!
A few things I want to mention.
First, there's a great poem out there called "Love without love." Check it out here: http://www.amberkaye.com/becca/becca_sel_04.htm
One of the themes of this poem is that, when we love people--in friendships, families, and romances--, we have a tendency to wrap them into a pretty package. We get to know them pretty well, and we get to a point where we feel that we know everything there is to know about them.
It happens. The trouble, as you note, is that when this happens, people close themselves to other layers that exist within us. Suddenly, there are no new surprises anymore. We think we know it all.
That's why, I think, in this poem, the speaker says to the first woman he was ever truly in love with: "I love you because I have never dreamed of you." He is saying, in a sense: "I have never dreamed that you were simply this or simply that. You are always surprising me in some way. And I'm always finding out new things about you to love."
I think that's the best way we can love people, but I also think it's the hardest way. It seems to be human nature to see people and wrap them up into a package of sorts. "Mike, he's that guy who's always praying and who is funny from time to time."
Well, there's more to Mike than that! And there's more to you.
Unfortunately, I think it's just good old human nature.
Second thing, know that when I tell you about the nun thing, I am partly kidding. (And you can probably tell that in my voice.) But it's also because I see in you qualities that are hard to come by--values in line and faith in practice.
But those can be applied wonderfully in the married life!
Ultimately, God takes you where he wants to, and whatever destination you find peace in pursuing--well, chances are, that's where Our Lord wants ya.
I've rattled on too long.
Peace!
Mike!
Thank-you so much for your comment. I really do like the poem you suggested too. It's funny that I've only known you for a little over a year now because it feels as though we should have been friends for a lot longer, if that makes any sense at all. I am very grateful to be able to call you my friend. I hope you know I don't think of you as just the "holy guy who prays a lot" or "the funny guy" either.
Also, when I was venting about the whole nun thing, I wasn't really talking about you, but about the number of people who have said I'll be a nun because I don't really date or flirt... I think that's not the best reason to become a nun, and I get annoyed with those people. I just thought I'd clear that up.
Anyway, thanks again! :)
Teresa:
I know precisely what you mean and I couldn't agree more!!
Mike
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