I have had a very stressful and emotional evening tonight. My head is still pounding from all the things that went on here. This evening my family went to get our portrait taken for our parish directory. I really do not like going in and getting a portrait taken. It always seems fake to me, and I feel really awkward holding all the poses they tell you to hold. I prefer taking my own pictures with a digital camera.... those pictures are more natural to me than portraits anyway.... As my family is posing the woman tells us to smile and act like we always get along... Inside I had to really fight not laughing sarcastically at that. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I would not be who I am without them. Sometimes, though, I have to remind myself that I really like them too......
I swear if it is not one thing going on with my family, it's another. I feel as though there is always a constant "huge" drama going on, and if I don't see something as a big deal like my mother or sister does then Lord, help me. Almost immediately there is a huge debate over whatever it is I do or don't agree with. I just get tired of it. I really really cannot wait until I have money to get out of here and do my own thing and think my own way without worrying about pushing someone's buttons the wrong way. I feel like I have all these thoughts and opinions about a lot of different subjects, but I do not voice them here at home mainly from the fear of someone jumping down my throat and trying to get me to change my opinion. Yes, in some cases I may be totally out there, but I wish there was another way people in my home could tell me that without a huge fight commencing after I open my mouth. To avoid those types of fights, I usually just keep my mouth shut. It's not worth arguing over everything to me.
Tonight my family got in such an argument over rules of most convents versus those in the majority of seminaries. My sister and I have noticed with a lot of different convents (not all) that the rules for the girls that enter there are much more strict then those of the seminary. Girls are usually expected to end all communication with the opposite sex unless they are family members, whereas men in the seminary (I have been told....) are encouraged to be with the opposite sex to make sure that they are following God's call. I just do not really understand why the seminaries are much more relaxed about the men communicating with women, and then the convents are much more strict. I have a hunch that if convents were more lenient about communication with the opposite sex there probably would be more interest in becoming a nun.
I happen to have a lot of close friends who are practically like family to me, but if I entered certain convents I would not be able to communicate at all with those people. That is one of the many many things that I just could not let go of.
My mother was not at all happy with how my sister and I felt and let it be very known she was tired of us putting nuns down. The truth is I was not putting nuns down. I just wish I could understand why if it is ok for seminarians to be around women to help make sure they are following the right call why most of the convents cannot let the young women do the same with men. I was not trying to put nuns down at all. I truly respect all the amazing women who have been able to follow God's call and leave behind so much, they are way more courageous than I could ever be.
The problem about fights in my house is that it seems to me no one wants to listen to anyone else's views on a subject and then it gets so loud with everyone trying to talk over each other that nothing is accomplished but giving everyone a headache. It is so frustrating to me. I hate conflict, and that is why I try to keep my thoughts to myself.... Blah!!!!(bangs head on the key board).