"State Mental Hospital Phone Menu"

I found this very amusing and thought I'd share...

State Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital. Please
select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969696969696.

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.